I went to a movie last night and had popcorn and skittles. I enjoyed the popcorn so much! It’s one of my favourite treats.
The skittles I ate much later in the evening and I didn’t enjoy them. I’m not sure why I ate them other than they were there.
What’s interesting is how I reacted afterwards. My thoughts were along these lines: you’re going to gain weight, your gut is going to be off for days and you’ll be bloated, this isn’t how you eat, your husband won’t find you attractive, you should feel really bad about that….
Woah. I didn’t clue into what I was really telling myself until this morning (because I took the time to sit quietly on my deck and explore my emotions). How I eat and my body image are still wrapped up with my feelings of worth and love.
Gaining weight isn’t a reflection of my worth or love. Our physical bodies are not the scale by which we measure love and worth. You are born loved and worthy – no amount of shitty food or weight gain can take that away.
My husband finds me attractive regardless of my size and has for 14 years – what I’m really telling myself here is I only feel worthy of him if I’m at a certain size. This ties in with feelings of weight gain. Over the years we’re shown images of women who are incredibly slender, curvy, and beautiful as the standard. Nothing wrong with those women but there is no standard. It can be hard to break down those comparisons though.
I shouldn’t feel bad for food choices. There are healthy and less heathy choices but nothing bad/good. It’s a choice I made. However having a blog that focuses on healthy eating and a low carb approach can make it hard for me to feel ok when I eat crap. This post feels very vulnerable 🤷🏻♀️ I would say that I always argue for balance and treating yourself from a mindful place. Popcorn was mindful, skittles were not. I’m not here to sugar coat my journey (hah!) but to share how this looks in real life. I’m not perfect and I don’t aim to be. Allowing myself to be less than perfect is something I’m still working on.
I’ve talked about treats and mindful eating before and how much progress I’ve made. But there are always going to be times when something we thought we had put to rest appears again. And once again we do the work.
What does the work look like? Surely you know what I’m going to say…..
Self care. More meditation and nourishing my mind body and soul. I don’t want to workout but it’s even more important that I do. I spent time on my deck just reflecting and writing this morning. The more I love myself the less those feelings will be wrapped up in external things.
“When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart.” – Geneen Roth, Women Food and God.